"I DO UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!"

For the first time in my life I walked into my bedroom and did not recognise it. Did not realise it was my room. It was exactly how I left it last wednesday yet when I walked in my mind questioned where I was.

Hello. This is Ess. You may not remember me but I actually am the author of this blog. Long time no talk. I feel....not as I'd like. I'm....not in the place I'd like to be. I'm still living in the past 5 days, trying to forget this afternoon's regrets. Why so blue? To lose one's temper is a frightening thing. I don't do it often-I can't even remember the last time I got angry-->anger doesn't seem to be an emotion I possess in any great abundance. Until this afternoon when I slipped in one quick, powerful, painful burst of firery retort. I'm not an angry person so that outburst scared me, frustrated me, shocked me. No sooner had I yelled those 3 words, slammed my sister's door, dropped my unicycle and ran downstairs to my room, the tears came and I collapsed on the floor sobbing. This wasn't the post i planned on writing. I had envisioned a bright happy refletive piece of prose praising how great the Brisbane 2009 YSA Convention was. Instead my afternoon took a slightly different turn and here I am at 10.49pm blogging through a range of emotions. When you consider yourself a happy lighthearted person it's a hard blow when you discover anger, pain, guilt and regret. Oh, and to add to it all I watched the very last episodes of Doctor Who with David Tennent this evening and once again went on a rollar coaster of emotions (those who don't know Doctor Who can not understand what this entails...imagine seeing a close friend gradually lose all that they have and then lose themselves....yeah, we don't have tv so the precious tv shows we watch on youtube are dear to our hearts...) I'm in a state of disreality...it's time to move foreward and embrace 2010...yet I seem to still be in Queensland. I'm meant to call work when I get back...meaning I have to return to reality and responsibility. Goodbye holidays. I like my job, but I don't feel ready quite yet to return, but I know I must especially as I'm taking another week off being an EFY leader.

Time for something a bit lighter. jai observed elle's and mine outburst and whilst I was in my room he brought down my unicycle with his stand and wrote a note that I could borrow the stand. He also boosted my Christmas itunes voucher up to 4 songs. He has a big heart though puberty is giving his impulse control a working. Music heals. I'd like to testify to that right here and now. As I was in my state of disarray, my eyes turned to the piano accordian lying at the foot of my bed-the case having been closed for a very very long time. I decided to pull myslef off the floor and open that long forgotten case, pull the instrument out and sling the straps over my shoulders. I haven't gotten around to learning it properly yet but I used my little knowledge to start learning a song called Russian Nights. It's a mournful gypsy song and was exactly what I needed. And so I sat upon my bed learning a song which seemed to be stitching my wound up note by note. I love playing music yet it is a skill I sadly neglect and must become more dilligent before what little I have been given is taken away.

We never did end up mooing at cows, stopping off in the sun at the big banana, big prawn...Our roadtrip doesn't feel complete. Note to roadtrippers: phalanges (P) and White Picket Fence (WPF) are really good for stumping people in 'I spy'. Rina had me and joss guessing for many kilometres.

Well tommorrow is a brand new day so sleep I must. It's time to live, love, learn, and keep moving forward.

and so time marches on. I do believe this blog is almost 1 year old...

I HAVE OFFICIALLY FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR OF UNIVERSITY. booh yeah. 3.5 months of summer holidays. I found myself a job too.

any reflections? I don't want to see the words globalisation, colonialism, or inequity for a very very long time. That and where do you find a waffle machine and recipe? Me and Lynnt want to hold a waffle party as they are a marvelous creation of mankind and way too expensive at Max Brennar. I find it hard to believe that this time last year I was holding out to read Twilight, getting ready for my formal, and had one original film under my/our belts. how things have a changed. It's also less then 4 months til I'm 20. yeah. I only have 4 months left of being a teenager and so I'm going to make the most of it. le gasp! THESE ARE MY VERY LAST SUMMER HOLIDAYS AS A TEENAGER! I'm hitting the 2oies just in time for uni. gasp gasp gasp gasp catch breath gasp gasp gasp etc. I'm going to be old and still look like a 16 year old. I wonder if I get to leave my pimples behind in teenhood-now that would be a sweet 20th birthday present.

stuff study...this is what we do when it storms...

hello.

get up and dance to your favourite song with no shame!

MID-SEMESTER BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
booh yeah. Flying out to brisbane tomorrow on a 6.20am flight, meaning a 3am wakeup.
AND I had an actual psychology report to hand in! It truely is a miracle that I 1)managed to write the report itself and 2) catch the 9.14am train. Today has been a good day. There's a cool little art gallery called The Hardware Gallery along Enmore road-check it out next time you're in the city. Just catch a 423, 428, 426 bus and it's 263 Enmore road on the right hand side.
the night weather is beautiful. I walked home in the dark. I can't wait for summer nights!

DAY 2 SEMESTER 2

yeah. I can't believe it either. I'm blogging again. Anyway moving on from the obvious I'd just like to say I've finished reading Eldest, The Second Sun and The Light and the Fury. AND they were worth reading. EMP(electro magnetic pulse) is one scary feasible concept/reality. Uni started up again yesterday and with my four hours on the train plus a bit of this morning's trip I read A Wizard of Earthsea. A brilliant novel if I do say so myself. The battle between light and dark, a shadow which we all have and must face. Sparrowhawk and Vetch <3. The power of true names. and true friendship. A friendship I share with 3 special people- our own little sparrowhawk out braving a world far (but not too far) from our own.

[aside:I'm eating dry cereal kindly donated by Eru to help me survive the train trip yester-even]

Eru was eaten by pigeons today. She became a crazy bird lady AND i caught it on film (he he he).

A pleasant surprise trip to Borders with Indi (oh the advantages of finishing uni early)

Questions:

What is my shadow? Where is my shadow? Is it myself?

What is my true name? Is it the name we receive at birth our true name or one we adopt later on in life? Do some never find it? Are some given it from birth? Do we become a name or does a name become us? Does it actually matter? What is in a name?

Hamlet

I want to stop yet at the same time I don't. It feels like I'm talking to someone even though it's just myself and my macbook. But I am talking to others. Others who will read this later. Later when I don't feel like talking as much. Oh the Irony of it all.