For the first time in my life I walked into my bedroom and did not recognise it. Did not realise it was my room. It was exactly how I left it last wednesday yet when I walked in my mind questioned where I was.
Hello. This is Ess. You may not remember me but I actually am the author of this blog. Long time no talk. I feel....not as I'd like. I'm....not in the place I'd like to be. I'm still living in the past 5 days, trying to forget this afternoon's regrets. Why so blue? To lose one's temper is a frightening thing. I don't do it often-I can't even remember the last time I got angry-->anger doesn't seem to be an emotion I possess in any great abundance. Until this afternoon when I slipped in one quick, powerful, painful burst of firery retort. I'm not an angry person so that outburst scared me, frustrated me, shocked me. No sooner had I yelled those 3 words, slammed my sister's door, dropped my unicycle and ran downstairs to my room, the tears came and I collapsed on the floor sobbing. This wasn't the post i planned on writing. I had envisioned a bright happy refletive piece of prose praising how great the Brisbane 2009 YSA Convention was. Instead my afternoon took a slightly different turn and here I am at 10.49pm blogging through a range of emotions. When you consider yourself a happy lighthearted person it's a hard blow when you discover anger, pain, guilt and regret. Oh, and to add to it all I watched the very last episodes of Doctor Who with David Tennent this evening and once again went on a rollar coaster of emotions (those who don't know Doctor Who can not understand what this entails...imagine seeing a close friend gradually lose all that they have and then lose themselves....yeah, we don't have tv so the precious tv shows we watch on youtube are dear to our hearts...) I'm in a state of disreality...it's time to move foreward and embrace 2010...yet I seem to still be in Queensland. I'm meant to call work when I get back...meaning I have to return to reality and responsibility. Goodbye holidays. I like my job, but I don't feel ready quite yet to return, but I know I must especially as I'm taking another week off being an EFY leader.
Time for something a bit lighter. jai observed elle's and mine outburst and whilst I was in my room he brought down my unicycle with his stand and wrote a note that I could borrow the stand. He also boosted my Christmas itunes voucher up to 4 songs. He has a big heart though puberty is giving his impulse control a working. Music heals. I'd like to testify to that right here and now. As I was in my state of disarray, my eyes turned to the piano accordian lying at the foot of my bed-the case having been closed for a very very long time. I decided to pull myslef off the floor and open that long forgotten case, pull the instrument out and sling the straps over my shoulders. I haven't gotten around to learning it properly yet but I used my little knowledge to start learning a song called Russian Nights. It's a mournful gypsy song and was exactly what I needed. And so I sat upon my bed learning a song which seemed to be stitching my wound up note by note. I love playing music yet it is a skill I sadly neglect and must become more dilligent before what little I have been given is taken away.
We never did end up mooing at cows, stopping off in the sun at the big banana, big prawn...Our roadtrip doesn't feel complete. Note to roadtrippers: phalanges (P) and White Picket Fence (WPF) are really good for stumping people in 'I spy'. Rina had me and joss guessing for many kilometres.
Well tommorrow is a brand new day so sleep I must. It's time to live, love, learn, and keep moving forward.
