'have you been drinking?' [yes, you'll have to see the movie to get it...]

My amigos, it's a beautiful chilly winter's day. AND I'm on holidays. I feel slightly lost. Not having any compulsory study to do. I'm so used to 'doing' and not just 'being'. i have to learn to 'be'. to relax. i think i trained myself during uni to feel bad or guilty if I wasn't doing some form of work, but that's not how it should go. I need to do some rewiring to get over those habitual feelings so I can live and get ready to dive into semester two. It's funny how much motivation I had to take on the world when I couldn't-as in I was meant to be studying and now that I have unrestricted time to mould, I don't know where to start. These past two days I've been hanging quite a bit with my lil bro JJ (and yes I keep changing his pseudonym). We've made chocolate chip cookies with our favourite Deece and Mali, to deliver to friends, entertained little 3 month mali, entered the library and returned with an armful of glorious fiction, met the Prince of Persia with Jac, Newt as our chariot.....I love spending time with him. I do have an alterior motive tho. j is going through testosterone filled puberty and has a tendacy to blow up every 10 mins, thus making our home a battleground and often resulting in revocked privledges-therefore my strategy is to help j remain human by taking him places, giving himself something to do/busy himself with. So far Kingdom Heart manga has him absorbed-when he isn't reading it he's drawing the characters. [Dang....internet please stop stuffing around-you're either on or you're not-MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND STOP TURNING OFF AND ON EVERY 5 MINS!!!] I love having a verander to sit on and soak up the afternoon sun whilst blogging. [thank you internet for turning back on-most appreciated] Been reading and thinking and reading and thinking. when I gather some coherant thoughts together I shall let you know;) btw. so I watched Prince of Persia and realised I hadn't seen a movie with violence in it for a LOOOOOONNNNGGGGGG time. And was surprised with how I found myself reacting to it. The thoughts that went through my head. I enjoyed the movie but I couldn't help but keep thinking how pointless and unnecessary violence is in general-couldn't they find some other way?(yes, i know, an idealist thought, but still.....). It was a war movie, not particularly gory but when you've been watching feel-good-kid movies (....i.e. UP, Mary Poppins...etc) for the past year (?) or so it does have an impact. Something I've got to work out.... ( man! I was brought up on star wars for crying out loud! what is this??!!!) I guess it impacts me so much because each person who is killed no matter how inconsequential, I think, he had a family, people who love him... what's going to happen to them? who's going to tell them their papa...brother...husband is dead? You don't think about it because the movie isn't telling their story, it's telling the hero's story, just another man who happens to have a lot more luck and skill than them (and true, generally a mission that the whole world's fate rest upon) . or/and perhaps it's because I have changed focus a bit. I used to want to be like those super cool heros doing all that cool parkour and saving the day. Now, not that I don't want to be able to do all those things, but my focus is more on mission and family-inparticuarly my future family... the simple joys in life...hmmmm...how to unite the two concepts....cos neither needs to be in isolation of the other. I'm totally going to be a kick-butt mama...But it does also raise the question of how much violence should we allow ourselves to see and what types of violence....this is about to lead into a d&m but I'm hungry so shall save it for another post;)

today's goal: to be the musician of my day-to play, work, study and love whole heartedly. If we all lived life like the way true musicians played their instruments, there'd be a lot more happy people and we'd get more things done.

whole heartedly-imagine if each task faced was approached this way...

Ess in the tree tops Above as photographed by CLeb age 11

My neuro flashcards!

'Love story meets Viva la Vida'

Alright! Just bout to go rest my weary head-it's ironic though, that it's taken me all day to get motivated for study and when I'm just getting into it it's time for sleep. lol-gotta love the ironies of life. Listening to 'Love story meets Viva La Vida' by Jon Schmidt and it is amazing! It is beautiful to watch musicians who truely feel the music. I realised how much I desire to play as they do. Right on top of my future home list is a grand piano and I want to strive to deserve to play it. I just need to make the decision, make the commitment, create a plan and get to work.

I did wake up at 5.30am, I did do my scripture study, run, shower, biomechanics, painted some postcards for Indi....and eventually started my neural pathways flashcards (almost done-just need to add colour to a few). I climbed trees, shot arrows at my lil bro, threw massive sticks at him to deflect with a staff....I did go off track during the middle of the day, but I found my way back-thanks to something my mama said to me before she went out. "Ess, whatever you do tonight-be it study or not studying, do it with your whole heart."

My phone went missing on saturday. I felt so at peace, full of forgiveness and love for the person it went walkies with-even a touch sorrowful because that would be a black mark against them. I wanted to find them and give them the phone so they wouldn't be a thief. I checked my myvodafone account today and discovered I had a list of phone numbers they'd called-I wasn't sure what to do. I now had the power to find them, possibly get my sim card back if they were willing to post it (they'd already used up all the credit). Thoughts of wether I should turn them in or let it go clouded my mind. Possibly play a part in stopping them from stealing another person's phone. I felt confused. But then I remembered how peaceful I'd felt on saturday evening when I'd accepted what happened and simply let go-moving on with life. And so, that's what I'm doing. moving on. We cancelled the sim, transferred the number to a new one. It was half my fault for leaving it where I did. I gave them the opportunity, and their fault was in taking it. 5o/5o responsibility. I've learnt from this experience-listen to those quiet seemingly unimportant promptings which drift as brief thoughts across your mind. It would've be cool if my friends' messages asking them kindly to return it, had been heeded. I'm also touched that my sister actually cares as well. It was nice to see people I didn't know, people I'd just met and old friends show concern and help look for it on sat even. And it's interesting being without a phone. Everytime I go downstairs to my room, I have to remind myself not to look for the tell tale flashing blue light indicating a received message.

ok, quickly, tomorrow's plan. Wake up early, prayer, scriptures, run, shower, brekkie, biomechanics-wk 11+13 tutorials, neuro-finish flashcards, start on cranial nerves; front yard battles with Cleb, prepare for friday (get money out for train ticket, make lunch, pack bag), early to bed as exam #1 is on fri!

Several quotes to ponder on:

-" Not understood. We gather false impressions
And hug them closer as the years go by...
O God, that men would see a little clearer,Or judge less harshly where they cannot see!'
(Thomas Bracken)

-"O man, forgive thy mortal foe,
Nor ever strike him blow for blow;
For all the souls on earth that live,
To be forgiven must forgive,
Forgive him seventy times seven;
For all the blessed souls in heaven
Are both forgivers and forgiven."
(Alfred Lord Tennyson)

-" To be wronged or robbed, is nothing unless you continue to remember it."
(Confucius)

...and though you'll never know all the steps...you can learn to join the dance...

The-Boys'-Home<---click on link!

I was washing the dishes yester-even and came across this video. It touched my heart and for reasons still unknown to me, I found myself sobbing on the floor. The family were all out, i was home alone, my mobile with all my friend's numbers had gone missing over the weekend, and so I did the only thing I could do. I fell to my knees in prayerful tears to my Heavenly Father. I poured out my concerns and thoughts.

Sometimes it is hard to view your life with the long term perspective in mind. I want to do so much, but at the moment I have 3 exams over the next two weeks for which I need to study for. I'm finding it hard to continue with diligence and motivation. Small decisions freeze me when I deilberate over possible options. But watching this video for the second or third time, helps to thaw me out and give me a nudge in the right direction. I have a song 'Heaven's eyes' from The Prince of Egypt also helping to carry me through. I think what is most crippling is not having a plan. I come to stand still and waste time because I'm unsure as what to do next.

Although today, I let myself become slightly disheartened, I experienced some beautiful moments of life. My lil brothers and I were on the front learn playing with bows and arrows made from sticks, elastic and bamboo. With epic swords from the fallen branches of our gum tree. Long metal rods from the depths of our garage became epic staffs. We played, sustained minor injuries (Jayred and I drew blood from each other). I haven't just mucked around with my brothers for a long time. I need to do more running without work weighing down my mind and heart. Breathe in that cool winter air and run. run and dive and roll and tumble and jump and leap and dance.

I was reading back through one of my journals and I came across a thought I had written earlier in the year. I had been concerned over the different paths of prepartion to follow but the past me had come to the conclusion that I should simply focus on 'becoming'. Isn't it wonderful that the strengths of your past self can help your present and future self.

So do I have a plan for tomorrow since beginning this post? I think having a purpose outside study helps. Have an overall purpose/goal and then slot study in around it. Ok Ess, just create a strategy so then you at least have something to work with. Tomorrow I want to wake up round 5.30am to get ready and begin my day with reading and pondering the scriptures. Going for a run whilst listening to a conference talk, shower, brekkie. An hour of biomechanics. And then....I want to create beauty from my pain. Neuroscience pathways shall be transformed into a story- I shall create and learn at the same time. Revise at the end of the day...play basketball. Overall purpose? To share what I learn and the beauty I come across. I shall use this blog to keep myself accountable. If I feel myself going crazy then I can start reorganizing the front room books-restoring it from the chaos I left it in when salvaging cubes for my room.

Good night, love Ess xx