sometimes it's in the decision making that we realise that another decision would be better for today

Blog mcblog. I love surprise spontaneous weekends. I love the return home to family. The country does revive the spirit. Man, didn't think studying the Romantics like Mr Wordsworth back in year 12 would ever prove useful. Those Romantic poets were really onto something with the returning to nature thing.

[mmm...switchfoot=today's blogging soundtrack..]

It's hot today. So we dived into the pool. Me and the boys wanted to see if chickens could swim so we captured one and almost succeeded in testing its swimming abilities until ma caught us. Loving still being stronger than J-boy. I totally had him pinned down- he had nothing on me. I'm taking advantage of this fact as much as possible cos when I return from my mission he's gonna be 16! and most likely stronger:/

holidays have come round so quick. It's Christmas soon. We're putting our tree up tonight for Family Home Evening and ALL our immediate family's here. Including el-bangs who actually seems to be in a good mood. Dad just closed the curtains-no more sun to warm my legs. I love my family.

'have you been drinking?' [yes, you'll have to see the movie to get it...]

My amigos, it's a beautiful chilly winter's day. AND I'm on holidays. I feel slightly lost. Not having any compulsory study to do. I'm so used to 'doing' and not just 'being'. i have to learn to 'be'. to relax. i think i trained myself during uni to feel bad or guilty if I wasn't doing some form of work, but that's not how it should go. I need to do some rewiring to get over those habitual feelings so I can live and get ready to dive into semester two. It's funny how much motivation I had to take on the world when I couldn't-as in I was meant to be studying and now that I have unrestricted time to mould, I don't know where to start. These past two days I've been hanging quite a bit with my lil bro JJ (and yes I keep changing his pseudonym). We've made chocolate chip cookies with our favourite Deece and Mali, to deliver to friends, entertained little 3 month mali, entered the library and returned with an armful of glorious fiction, met the Prince of Persia with Jac, Newt as our chariot.....I love spending time with him. I do have an alterior motive tho. j is going through testosterone filled puberty and has a tendacy to blow up every 10 mins, thus making our home a battleground and often resulting in revocked privledges-therefore my strategy is to help j remain human by taking him places, giving himself something to do/busy himself with. So far Kingdom Heart manga has him absorbed-when he isn't reading it he's drawing the characters. [Dang....internet please stop stuffing around-you're either on or you're not-MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND STOP TURNING OFF AND ON EVERY 5 MINS!!!] I love having a verander to sit on and soak up the afternoon sun whilst blogging. [thank you internet for turning back on-most appreciated] Been reading and thinking and reading and thinking. when I gather some coherant thoughts together I shall let you know;) btw. so I watched Prince of Persia and realised I hadn't seen a movie with violence in it for a LOOOOOONNNNGGGGGG time. And was surprised with how I found myself reacting to it. The thoughts that went through my head. I enjoyed the movie but I couldn't help but keep thinking how pointless and unnecessary violence is in general-couldn't they find some other way?(yes, i know, an idealist thought, but still.....). It was a war movie, not particularly gory but when you've been watching feel-good-kid movies (....i.e. UP, Mary Poppins...etc) for the past year (?) or so it does have an impact. Something I've got to work out.... ( man! I was brought up on star wars for crying out loud! what is this??!!!) I guess it impacts me so much because each person who is killed no matter how inconsequential, I think, he had a family, people who love him... what's going to happen to them? who's going to tell them their papa...brother...husband is dead? You don't think about it because the movie isn't telling their story, it's telling the hero's story, just another man who happens to have a lot more luck and skill than them (and true, generally a mission that the whole world's fate rest upon) . or/and perhaps it's because I have changed focus a bit. I used to want to be like those super cool heros doing all that cool parkour and saving the day. Now, not that I don't want to be able to do all those things, but my focus is more on mission and family-inparticuarly my future family... the simple joys in life...hmmmm...how to unite the two concepts....cos neither needs to be in isolation of the other. I'm totally going to be a kick-butt mama...But it does also raise the question of how much violence should we allow ourselves to see and what types of violence....this is about to lead into a d&m but I'm hungry so shall save it for another post;)

today's goal: to be the musician of my day-to play, work, study and love whole heartedly. If we all lived life like the way true musicians played their instruments, there'd be a lot more happy people and we'd get more things done.

whole heartedly-imagine if each task faced was approached this way...

Ess in the tree tops Above as photographed by CLeb age 11

My neuro flashcards!

'Love story meets Viva la Vida'

Alright! Just bout to go rest my weary head-it's ironic though, that it's taken me all day to get motivated for study and when I'm just getting into it it's time for sleep. lol-gotta love the ironies of life. Listening to 'Love story meets Viva La Vida' by Jon Schmidt and it is amazing! It is beautiful to watch musicians who truely feel the music. I realised how much I desire to play as they do. Right on top of my future home list is a grand piano and I want to strive to deserve to play it. I just need to make the decision, make the commitment, create a plan and get to work.

I did wake up at 5.30am, I did do my scripture study, run, shower, biomechanics, painted some postcards for Indi....and eventually started my neural pathways flashcards (almost done-just need to add colour to a few). I climbed trees, shot arrows at my lil bro, threw massive sticks at him to deflect with a staff....I did go off track during the middle of the day, but I found my way back-thanks to something my mama said to me before she went out. "Ess, whatever you do tonight-be it study or not studying, do it with your whole heart."

My phone went missing on saturday. I felt so at peace, full of forgiveness and love for the person it went walkies with-even a touch sorrowful because that would be a black mark against them. I wanted to find them and give them the phone so they wouldn't be a thief. I checked my myvodafone account today and discovered I had a list of phone numbers they'd called-I wasn't sure what to do. I now had the power to find them, possibly get my sim card back if they were willing to post it (they'd already used up all the credit). Thoughts of wether I should turn them in or let it go clouded my mind. Possibly play a part in stopping them from stealing another person's phone. I felt confused. But then I remembered how peaceful I'd felt on saturday evening when I'd accepted what happened and simply let go-moving on with life. And so, that's what I'm doing. moving on. We cancelled the sim, transferred the number to a new one. It was half my fault for leaving it where I did. I gave them the opportunity, and their fault was in taking it. 5o/5o responsibility. I've learnt from this experience-listen to those quiet seemingly unimportant promptings which drift as brief thoughts across your mind. It would've be cool if my friends' messages asking them kindly to return it, had been heeded. I'm also touched that my sister actually cares as well. It was nice to see people I didn't know, people I'd just met and old friends show concern and help look for it on sat even. And it's interesting being without a phone. Everytime I go downstairs to my room, I have to remind myself not to look for the tell tale flashing blue light indicating a received message.

ok, quickly, tomorrow's plan. Wake up early, prayer, scriptures, run, shower, brekkie, biomechanics-wk 11+13 tutorials, neuro-finish flashcards, start on cranial nerves; front yard battles with Cleb, prepare for friday (get money out for train ticket, make lunch, pack bag), early to bed as exam #1 is on fri!

Several quotes to ponder on:

-" Not understood. We gather false impressions
And hug them closer as the years go by...
O God, that men would see a little clearer,Or judge less harshly where they cannot see!'
(Thomas Bracken)

-"O man, forgive thy mortal foe,
Nor ever strike him blow for blow;
For all the souls on earth that live,
To be forgiven must forgive,
Forgive him seventy times seven;
For all the blessed souls in heaven
Are both forgivers and forgiven."
(Alfred Lord Tennyson)

-" To be wronged or robbed, is nothing unless you continue to remember it."
(Confucius)

...and though you'll never know all the steps...you can learn to join the dance...

The-Boys'-Home<---click on link!

I was washing the dishes yester-even and came across this video. It touched my heart and for reasons still unknown to me, I found myself sobbing on the floor. The family were all out, i was home alone, my mobile with all my friend's numbers had gone missing over the weekend, and so I did the only thing I could do. I fell to my knees in prayerful tears to my Heavenly Father. I poured out my concerns and thoughts.

Sometimes it is hard to view your life with the long term perspective in mind. I want to do so much, but at the moment I have 3 exams over the next two weeks for which I need to study for. I'm finding it hard to continue with diligence and motivation. Small decisions freeze me when I deilberate over possible options. But watching this video for the second or third time, helps to thaw me out and give me a nudge in the right direction. I have a song 'Heaven's eyes' from The Prince of Egypt also helping to carry me through. I think what is most crippling is not having a plan. I come to stand still and waste time because I'm unsure as what to do next.

Although today, I let myself become slightly disheartened, I experienced some beautiful moments of life. My lil brothers and I were on the front learn playing with bows and arrows made from sticks, elastic and bamboo. With epic swords from the fallen branches of our gum tree. Long metal rods from the depths of our garage became epic staffs. We played, sustained minor injuries (Jayred and I drew blood from each other). I haven't just mucked around with my brothers for a long time. I need to do more running without work weighing down my mind and heart. Breathe in that cool winter air and run. run and dive and roll and tumble and jump and leap and dance.

I was reading back through one of my journals and I came across a thought I had written earlier in the year. I had been concerned over the different paths of prepartion to follow but the past me had come to the conclusion that I should simply focus on 'becoming'. Isn't it wonderful that the strengths of your past self can help your present and future self.

So do I have a plan for tomorrow since beginning this post? I think having a purpose outside study helps. Have an overall purpose/goal and then slot study in around it. Ok Ess, just create a strategy so then you at least have something to work with. Tomorrow I want to wake up round 5.30am to get ready and begin my day with reading and pondering the scriptures. Going for a run whilst listening to a conference talk, shower, brekkie. An hour of biomechanics. And then....I want to create beauty from my pain. Neuroscience pathways shall be transformed into a story- I shall create and learn at the same time. Revise at the end of the day...play basketball. Overall purpose? To share what I learn and the beauty I come across. I shall use this blog to keep myself accountable. If I feel myself going crazy then I can start reorganizing the front room books-restoring it from the chaos I left it in when salvaging cubes for my room.

Good night, love Ess xx

wk 10 and a routine is slowing beginning to emerge [about time too!]

Chilly autumn night basketball....
Driving manual with only 1 stall....
Torque and Levers summarised with a nice 100% on the quiz I remembered to do...
Black holes and revelations-more revelations than black holes....
My biomechanics text is my new best friend-I am determined to pass this course! One test does not determine my destiny!
Lots of walking in the beautiful chilly weather-warms you up for sure! [that and laughing at how Frances watched an entire season of Friends yesterday and realised too late that he had a neuroscience lecture....]
Reminiscing first year uni as I take the long way to the train station via uni grounds....
Braiding and fish tailing a friend's hair for work.....
Renal anatomy....
Being pushed by my neuro lecture for a demonstration on feedforward systems-Dezi being my volunteering buddy.....
Life saving lollies from Judy....

all in a day's work for Ess

I'm thankful for thinking I still had 1 submission left on my biomechanics quiz and then discovering I didn't because I'd already achieved 100%. A nice surprise to brighten this day

I'm thankful that I was sitting next to Frances in Biomechanics or else I'd have been totally and utterly lost

I'm thankful for deciding to come home

I'm thankful for Armenian girl giving us a lift to the station

I'm thankful for black permanent markers and graph paper

I'm thankful for at least knowing the right answers even if I didn't put the right one down in the test

I'm so grateful that body systems is worth 30% and that I get another crack with the end of semester exam

I'm thankful for the opportunity to share simple truths with people even if I'm met with silence, blank guarded faces, and my contribution seems not to exist

know you are not alone. do what you must do. love.

It is truely truely amazing what a car trip prayer, what a short visit to amazing people, and what another car trip of thanksgiving can do. I'm off to face what lies afore, what lies behind and what lies within. There exists a beautiful little house in which lives a beautiful family of 4. I visited and saw and felt of their love and happiness. oNe daY I shall live in a beautiful little house with my own beautiful family.

Thought of the day: How wonderful are God's creations! (inspired by Armenian girl's video)

We too yearn to create. And wether we have earthly posessions or not, we all have one thing in common-time. What shall I create with this time I've been given?

DAY 3; YEAR 2 UNIVERSITY STUDENT.

Body systems: structures and functions
Neuroscience
Biomechanics
Fundamentals of rehabilitation

Have the courage to be imperfect

To being 19!

It is exactly 1 month until my 20th birthday. My last month of teenage-hood. wow. Today I made 5 minute bread all by myself-ground the flour, mixed it, let it rise, shaped it, baked it, cut it, savoured it...mmm. I swam 150m at the sea baths, made apple crumble, washed dishes, hung out laundry, caught up with my dear granticus, read The Book of Mormon and played a smidge of piano. I'm going to make every moment count. I have loved my life so far and am so excited to see how the rest of it unfolds. And so it begins.

oh...

I forgot. mama follows my blog.

it's an overcast and humid thursday evening...

And so it was, I found myself rinsing sweet potato soup out of a towel over our laundry sink. Poor mum. It's been a tough day, I'd been out so she decided to take dinner into her own hands and made her delicious sweet potato soup only to have it artistically spill over the southwest corner of our kitchen floor. Quote: 'Saaarrrahhh....if I ate chocolate would you give me one now? I think I need one....' I decided to laugh at the situation as sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh. Well it can't get any worse than having the past hour's work which would feed your hungry family leap out of your hands and onto the floor. Well it kind of did get worse but mum doesn't know yet. I was taking pictures of the spillage-the colours were lovely-the orange soup against our green pantry paintwork, the shape of the splash...ADVICE TO ALL PHOTOGRAPHERS: ALWAYS HAVE THE LITTLE SAFETY STRAP AROUND YOUR WRIST AND DON'T LAUGH TOO HARD WHEN TAKING PHOTOS. Yeah, I kinda dropped the camera on it's lens. It still works but the lens cover doesn't fully close. I'm going to break it to mum either when she's recovered enough to handle it and not kill me or when I get it fixed in which case I just need to pray she doesn't want to use it til I get a chance to have it seen to. (ouch to my mission fund *cringe*)

I have a whole box of rerrero rochers-a whole box of bribery. I have complete control over my little brothers. I told Jaikozu not to breathe and he started holding his breath. [don't worry I let him breathe again. I won't abuse my power...much.]

Just wanted to let you know I am incredibly happy and have been for the past month.

My friend the Roman General loves Taylor Swift so presently I am listening to a few of her creations. Very formulatic and all her songs seem the same but she seems to be getting an almost twilight-esque following. I'm staying neutral for now whilst I try to see what draws people in. I have to admit it's not what I normally listen to so I'm trying to stay open minded.

Just gotta go check if the oven is hot enough to put the bread in. Mama discovered this fantastically quick and delicious and easy bread recipe so I thought I'd cook some from the dough she'd made whilst she's dropping elle at work.

bread in the oven!

I ate a whole cucumber. i love cumumbers.

On tuesday I wore a red gypsy dress and danced on our dining table and on our front lawn in the freshly rained on grass to Jewish tunes. When the time comes for me to purchase a dining room table for my future home I shall have to dance on it for confirmation of it being the right one. the piano accordian and violin weave together to create music for the soul.

"I DO UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!"

For the first time in my life I walked into my bedroom and did not recognise it. Did not realise it was my room. It was exactly how I left it last wednesday yet when I walked in my mind questioned where I was.

Hello. This is Ess. You may not remember me but I actually am the author of this blog. Long time no talk. I feel....not as I'd like. I'm....not in the place I'd like to be. I'm still living in the past 5 days, trying to forget this afternoon's regrets. Why so blue? To lose one's temper is a frightening thing. I don't do it often-I can't even remember the last time I got angry-->anger doesn't seem to be an emotion I possess in any great abundance. Until this afternoon when I slipped in one quick, powerful, painful burst of firery retort. I'm not an angry person so that outburst scared me, frustrated me, shocked me. No sooner had I yelled those 3 words, slammed my sister's door, dropped my unicycle and ran downstairs to my room, the tears came and I collapsed on the floor sobbing. This wasn't the post i planned on writing. I had envisioned a bright happy refletive piece of prose praising how great the Brisbane 2009 YSA Convention was. Instead my afternoon took a slightly different turn and here I am at 10.49pm blogging through a range of emotions. When you consider yourself a happy lighthearted person it's a hard blow when you discover anger, pain, guilt and regret. Oh, and to add to it all I watched the very last episodes of Doctor Who with David Tennent this evening and once again went on a rollar coaster of emotions (those who don't know Doctor Who can not understand what this entails...imagine seeing a close friend gradually lose all that they have and then lose themselves....yeah, we don't have tv so the precious tv shows we watch on youtube are dear to our hearts...) I'm in a state of disreality...it's time to move foreward and embrace 2010...yet I seem to still be in Queensland. I'm meant to call work when I get back...meaning I have to return to reality and responsibility. Goodbye holidays. I like my job, but I don't feel ready quite yet to return, but I know I must especially as I'm taking another week off being an EFY leader.

Time for something a bit lighter. jai observed elle's and mine outburst and whilst I was in my room he brought down my unicycle with his stand and wrote a note that I could borrow the stand. He also boosted my Christmas itunes voucher up to 4 songs. He has a big heart though puberty is giving his impulse control a working. Music heals. I'd like to testify to that right here and now. As I was in my state of disarray, my eyes turned to the piano accordian lying at the foot of my bed-the case having been closed for a very very long time. I decided to pull myslef off the floor and open that long forgotten case, pull the instrument out and sling the straps over my shoulders. I haven't gotten around to learning it properly yet but I used my little knowledge to start learning a song called Russian Nights. It's a mournful gypsy song and was exactly what I needed. And so I sat upon my bed learning a song which seemed to be stitching my wound up note by note. I love playing music yet it is a skill I sadly neglect and must become more dilligent before what little I have been given is taken away.

We never did end up mooing at cows, stopping off in the sun at the big banana, big prawn...Our roadtrip doesn't feel complete. Note to roadtrippers: phalanges (P) and White Picket Fence (WPF) are really good for stumping people in 'I spy'. Rina had me and joss guessing for many kilometres.

Well tommorrow is a brand new day so sleep I must. It's time to live, love, learn, and keep moving forward.